Experiences with Amma
Way to your Heart is an Open Mind
Satish Menon
Chief Architect, Yahoo Media Group
Sunnyvale, CA
"When Dr. Venkat Rangan (esteemed Dean of Amrita University) asked me to write an article for the upcoming issue of Amritavarsham, my second thought was this – "but I don't even know any Sanskrit Shlokas to quote. I don't even know Sanskrit!". But then I realized that by writing about my experiences, I might be able to aid others, who like myself (eternal doubters trained in science) come to terms with the logic of their love and affection for Amma.
Earlier in my life, having been trained as an engineer and a scientist I have often straddled the fence between religion and atheism, before finally deciding that if I don't have the time (or inclination) to expend the effort to study religion and spirituality in depth, the least I can do is keep an open mind. I have always believed that before rejecting something outright, one must expend more than cursory effort to learn about it, not be dismissive or judgmental. It is good to know what you don't know, or as former British Prime Minster and author Benjamin Disraeli said, "To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge". So, for the most part, I try to keep a healthy open mind about things.
My first opportunity to meet Amma presented an opportunity to test my resolve on this topic. Sad to say, I flunked the test and I had to take the test again to get a mere passing grade. The first time we (my wife and I) met Amma was in 1994, when we had just moved from Atlanta to California. We drove over from South Bay to the serene and picturesque San Ramon Ashram during Amma's summer visit. Even though we both were born and brought up in Kerala, we had no prior exposure to Amma. Also, I was feeling a bit antsy, fresh of from reading about all kinds of scandalous information regarding Bhagwan Rajneesh. Needless to say, my mind was not very open that day and I chose to wait inside my parked car, read a book and enjoying the setting sun's glow atop the golden hills of San Ramon. My wife tried to talk me out of it, to join her and go inside the hall to see Amma and eventually gave up and went solo.
She returned some time later, a sense of joy apparent on her face, and pleaded with me to go inside and 'see' Amma. Finally, I obliged and walked to the temple hall. It was a bit of a shock seeing a number of non-Indians wearing "mundu" and 'Sari's' at the barn entrance and greeting people. Little did I know then that these mundu and sari wearing westerners understand, appreciate and live my culture and values more than some of I who was born into it!
The hall was packed with a sea of people sitting in rows, families with children, westerns, easterners and everyone in between. There were unlit lamps in front of them. She was sitting at the podium, directing traffic, while people were carrying trays and distributing small plastic cups with water. It was a hot summer night, especially hot in the hills of San Ramon and there was no elbowroom inside the hall. All of this was a bit too much for me – I returned back to my parked car. The sun had set and my mind was anything, but calm. I failed my own test, but I didn't know it at that time.
It was a few days before my mind started nagging me. I realized that what I had done was completely contrary to my resolve to be an open-minded and non-judgmental person about matters I had insufficient knowledge of. I felt very ashamed and eventually decided that given another chance; I would do it very differently.
An opportunity arose a few months later for us to travel to Kerala and I vowed to myself that I would go see Amma in 'her house'. Interestingly enough, I had to overcome a number of hurdles, including a train breakdown in the middle of nowhere in the summer sweltering heat in the plains of Kerala to finally get to Amritapuri. We were accompanied my sister and my two nieces and nephew who had never been in Amma's presence either. I finally retook not only my test, but also had my 'viva' (oral exam) with Amma. Her radiant smile with that twinkle in her eyes said I finally passed. This was the beginning of a life-change experience for all of us, including my sister and her family. There is one way to explain what happened – we were 'grounded'.
What drew me to Amma? At first, a kind of emotion, best described by Einstein as 'mystic emotion' – who explained it as it the 'finest emotion that we are capable of - "a sense of wonderment, the 'germ of all art and science" . I basked in that for a while.
Unfortunately, that did not last too long – the vacillating mind started popping all kinds of questions and negative thoughts. So after experiencing the bliss of her presence for a while, there came a period of long separation – emotional separation, not physical – even while going through this state, I seldom gave up the opportunity to go see her, especially with my family. What drove me to continue this association was the lesson I learned in keeping an open mind. I also did not feel too guilty about my doubting mind - consolation, in the words of Bertrand Russell who once said: "the whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts". Ironically, the twist here was that in myself, I found a fool so full of doubts.
Eventually, nearly ten years later, my resolve to keep an open mind paid its dividends. Having long realized that the way of knowledge (Jnana Margam) would take me aeons to find my guru, a simple technique – observation – and an open mind eventually caused Amma to cement herself in my heart. During this phase, I watched her give herself away completely to people who chose to open their mind in her presence. I finally began to understand what she meant by being in the moment always (is there anything else we can control?). I saw tears in her eyes while hearing about and consoling needy devotees' with extreme sadness in their hearts. I have seen many of them pick up themselves up and get back on their feet. I glimpsed the twinkle in her eyes while discussing a teenage boy's girl friend problem and the seriousness with which she showed a teenage girl to braid her hair. I heard her scolding (in a motherly way) one of her children for stopping darshan tokens in the wee hours of the morning. I have seen the transparency with which she lives her simple life. I realized finally that I found not only my guru, but my mother as well.
I end humbly with a quote by Marilyn vos Savant (writer for the syndicated magazine article "Ask Marilyn"): "to acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe". To this I add – "and one must keep an open mind, which is the doorway to our hearts".